I walked in on the positive side and somehow in 2 minutes was put in the negative. I gambled today and lost, I knew it was coming but I was hoping I could atleast get $1.80 to go through. It didn't.
It wasn't that announcement that my card was declined, it wasn't that awkward sideways shuffle away from the register, and it wasn't that head shaking walk back to the car. It was the slightly disappointed voice I was met with when I said it didn't go through. I couldn't get him a drink before working his 7th night in a row, he has no day/night off in sight until he quits his part time/old job.
He started a new job last week and gets paid weekly now. This job will do wonders for us, in 3 months he'll be making almost double weekly. We'll never have to worry and knew that this was going to be our last week to struggle. It's been a trying week. We've gambled nightly and won with the exception of tonight. There's no reason I should be upset when come morning, we'll have 3 pay checks in hand - something we've never been blessed with before. But that disappointment killed me and I needed to get this out.
I've been meaning to vent all week. Every night I've gotten into bed telling myself I need to get back here but I haven't. I somehow wish I could just transfer my thoughts without having to type them. I always have so much running through my mind and can never find the time or energy to get those thoughts out.
In other news... My holiday anxiety this year is nonexistent thanks to the fact that we're both working. I'm still not looking forward to Christmas day, but that's a yearly feeling that hasn't changed in 9 years. My regular anxiety has been manageable for the most part. I feel it at work some weeks worse than others, but once I take a couple minutes to breathe and regroup I'm fine.
Most nights I dread my alarm going off in the morning. But tomorrow? Tomorrow morning cannot come soon enough.
x
