Holiday anxiety.

I sit here on my couch, a few days until Christmas, with the worst holiday anxiety I have ever had. 

I haven't always been a fan of Chrsitmas. While I LOVE the movies, the decorations, the family gathering, and the cookies, I HATE the gift giving. I'm not saying I don't enjoy receiving gifts and I certainly do appreciate every single gift that is given to me. 

I hate giving gifts. I hate the pressure of finding the perfect gift(s). I hate watching people open gifts I've given them because what if they hate it? I hate asking people what they want because I hate when people ask me what I want. 

I want nothing. I want this day to end as fast as it starts. 

This year, I especially hate this holiday and being unemployed. Don't get me wrong, like I've said, I am getting unemployment but I still cannot afford the gifts I would normally give. I used to set a spending limit of a decent amount for each person in my life and would usually end up blowing it because of overthinking. This year? This year I've been lucky if I could spend $15-20 each and it is eating me up inside. Now I know I could make gifts and get crafty, but I am not that person. On top of that, my boyfriend and I aren't buying gifts for each other because if 2016 could not get any worse, he lost his job a week after mine, got a new job the beginning of this month, and lost it last week. 

I have struggled so much this year. I have struggled more this year than I have in my entire life and it is so frustrating when I feel like I can't properly buy gifts for the people who have helped me out the most this year. 

I know that they have told me that I don't need to purchase them anything, but the thought of walking into my parents house empty handed makes me sick to my stomach. Not only does my anxiety kick into overdrive, but it also depresses me to the point where I escape to the bathroom or my bedroom and cry. 

Just typing this out has the exact same effect except I don't have to hide to cry, I can do it sitting here. 

PSA: If you or anyone you know is low on cash but asks you what you want for Christmas, DO NOT SAY NOTHING. Think of ANYTHING under $20 that you could use. Ask for a few little things or one big thing. Suggest a gift card. As much as it pains me to say this, suggest lottery tickets - I think they're one of the worst gifts ever but they could be winners! Just please, try to come up with anything. You might be looking after their wallet, but you don't know how much this might be eating them up inside. 

Now, I'm going to go back to counting down the days that are left until this awful holiday is over.